I am
June 26, 2025
I am
I am scared.
I am loved.
I am worried.
I am not confident.
I am capable.
I am appreciated.
I am trapped.
I am free.
I make systems.
Why? Because I don’t believe I can survive without them. I am a slave to them.
I ignore my needs.
Why? Because I am fighting to participate in the systems I have built, and the systems around me.
Why?
Because I don’t believe in myself. Because I think my systems are the grease without which I will be chewed up and spit out.
Why?
Because I have failed before.
Why?
Because I was growing.
I still am.
What is growth?
Do I grow because of my systems? Or despite them? I think the answer is somewhere in between.
I live in a world full of systems that are outside my control. Systems I never knew the rules to and never understood.
But these systems are flexible. The rules can change. I still view them as black and white. An overabundance of trust and skepticism in a world full of vibes and blurred lines.
I cling to the rules. I apply my own systems over them, and then expand them accordingly to cover the gaps.
But I am exhausted. These systems I create and I use exist to batter my tired soul into a tool to achieve goals that are not my own.
Goals?
Such as
- being in a crowded room with construction going on and people speaking far too loudly
- being around people who are constantly getting each other sick, like a never ending game of cards where the only form of winning is to not lose.
- being appreciated for all the amazing work I do, without being appreciated for the fact that I’m getting most of it done when I’m left alone with some peace and quiet
Work
Work is a series of things you do to be allowed to live in a society that doesn’t care unless you produce.
This is not an accident.
But the tragic irony is that it’s not about how much you produce. The key is about how much you are percieved to be producing, and in the right way. The destination does not matter. The journey is what matters and we all must suffer together. For if we don’t suffer now, then why were we suffering before?
If you are unlucky, you will be relegated to do things that nobody thinks is important. This may be a test to pass with grit and determination. Or it may be exploitation and a system designed to sacrifice people to put problems out of sight; it doesn’t matter which - the most important thing to know is: Are you gaining respect and trust? Or are you being slowly pushed out in the cold?
Get a grip on that like your life depends on it, because it does. And be aware that people can be very, very sneaky about it.
If you are lucky, you get to do things that you think are important.
If you are even more lucky, you will get to do things that everyone thinks is important.
If you are very lucky, you will get to do things that everyone thinks is important, and just enough of them to keep your mind healthy but not overburdened. You will recognize this when you go home, have a sigh of relief, and then smile when looking back at the day.
That is nourishment for the ego, and if you are lucky, for the soul.
But always remember - you make your own luck.
Oh, and watch out for people giving you things that everyone thinks is easy, nobody thinks is important, but have significant consequences and are easy to fuck-up. Those are traps.
When it goes right - nobody will care.
When it goes wrong - people will come at you like a shark.
this page took 50 minutes to write and publish - goal: under 30