I'm not sleepy
February 12, 2025
Tired of not being tired
It’s 1:38am on a worknight. I finished work on time today but didn’t have the energy to stream.
At 9pm I went down to try sleep, tortured myself by laying in the dark for a couple of hours and came back up round 11pm feeling energized and not tired.
Thought about doing a short stream or personal project, but that carries the risk of getting lost in the moment then suddenly it’ll be 1am, my brain racing, and I have to fight to pull myself away…
Besides, getting lost in the moment is the joy in life.
Capacity
Our team at work is down to 3(2 with one on leave) people from 5 at the same time last year. One of the guys who left butchered the environments he setup, seems like he used them to learn but never cleaned them up, and you could drive a truck through the gaps he left in his documentation. Don’t be that guy.
Eh I guess it’s easy to say - I haven’t lived his life. Maybe I’m also just a little grouchy. I spent a couple years in the MSP game and thought I was moving up in complexity when I started this job, but wasn’t prepared to handle someone who didn’t know what they were doing and still managed to gatekeep acccess.
Problem happens
“Oh man this is super complicated. Maybe it’s the network team or security?”
“Why do you need to look at logs?”
🤦
Turned out a bunch of stuff was tied to his account as well, instead of the “admin” groups he made - so that’s been fun.
I want to just nerd out at 9pm and fix it all up - but there was an org shuffle and now I’m under an old school manager, and right now I’m fighting to go back to three days WFH. They’ve shrunk the team, lost the resource I’m referring to above, and now I’m in an intense battle for my life with someone with no understanding of the impact of their choices on my life.
Mental Health
This ongoing fight is exhausting. I have to justify my needs over and over, jump through hoops, for the chance at getting what I need. There’s not even a guarantee that I’ll get the accomodation. All so that I can make the bloody place better.
It’s really hard to have to fight so hard for your needs and still give your all, but when giving your full self is your natural state, it kills you inside to do anything else. Catch-22
Writing helps though.